Friday, January 29, 2016

Imposter Syndrome

Height of imposter syndrome is when you win an college-wide new shiny award and think that they gave it to you by mistake.

and then stand on the stage and think why did they give it to me?

this is funny and sad at the same time.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

NSF Pending Grants and Grey Area -2

So I ended up calling the PO. He told me that I did not get it and it didn't go well in the panel.

I am so relieved ! like I am feeling light. Yes, I didn't get the grant so will see what is in the reviews and resubmit.

But rejection is far better than anticipation and anxiety !

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

NSF Pending Grants and Grey Area

I have an NSF grant that is pending and it has been (almost) 6 months. This is a source of anxiety as well as some hope for me. From what I have read on other blogs it seems that the particular grant probably would have fallen in the "grey" area.

I know there is not much I can do except for wait but in a given day I pendulum from joy to anxiety and back like 9 times. Let me try to explain my emotional roller coaster to you.

1) Most of my peers have received a decline email by now. So this is probably a good news for me since the grant must have fallen in the grey area AND the PO wants to fund it (hopefully).

2) The particular program that I have submitted my grant has not given away any of the awards yet. At least this is what I have been able to get from google searches. This indicates that may be the particular program is lagging in its review process. This can go either way.

I am probably some where in the middle and would get/not get a grant based on the monies the particular PO has. This middle is where the hope is and there also hides the anxiety that I do not know what to do about.

I also feel kind of alone in this as well since I don't know who to talk to. My family is not academic and do not understand the underlying anxieties of being a scholar. I do not have any close academic friends here in this small city. I had very close 2 academic/personal friends but 1 of them has chosen to join industry (couldn't get a TT position) and another has joined a university abroad (so doesn't have similar funding situation as me). So I feel I am alone in this TT position (which I am very grateful for don't get me wrong) but I wish I had some one who I could talk to about my grants and the anxieties without worrying about being judged. We all know if I can talk to my colleagues they are gonna judge me.

I plan to send PO an email once 6 months are complete but that is still 2 weeks away.